Just going for a p...

Our pub is wonderful local where the choice of ales and good food could only be surpassed by the variety of folk who frequent the place. It occurs to me sometimes though that although much conversation takes place on the subject of the preferred brew of the moment, probably as much is discussed about the excretion of the inevitable excess fluids.

Firstly there is a question of timing. It is a well known fact that you can drink for hours without going, but after that first visit you will be back in there after every subsequent pint or 20 minutes, whichever is the sooner. I don't understand the science, but there have been nights when we've timed it.

Then, at this allotted timescale, we apparently need to announce our intentions in a variety of no-longer-amusing ways to the everyone at the bar:

"I'm just off to...

...shake a leg"

...shake hands with an old friend/the wife's best friend/the unemployed"

...point Percy at the porcelain"

Why do we think anyone cares? The only reason I can think of is to give your mates a chance to air some of their favourites to explain your absence:

"He's just gone to...

...drain the vein"

...syphon the python"

or if you've been gone a while

...drop the kids off at the pool"

Once in there, the "urinal psychology" game begins. Let me explain.
Lets suppose there are five urinals. You walk in, there are none in use, so you take your pick - no problem.
If the first one is occupied, most blokes have to leave a gap, i.e, head straight to 3, 4 or 5. In this scenario, I usually opt for no.4 and when a third bloke arrives you can almost guarantee he will head straight for the cubicle rather than stand next to someone!
It gets complicated after this point if another arrives (assuming the hand basins to be strictly out of bounds) as the dilemma is to try and work out which "neighbour" is likely to finish first.

Imagine how confusing it would get if, like our female counterparts, we had to go in two's ...